A boar with Shakira's "mobile phone," a boudoir photographer's opossum, and other incredible sentences
Every week I read incredible sentences because stupid things keep happening on earth. Each of these sentences is not only incredible as a standalone piece, but provides for jewels when you begin to dig deeper, like an opossum named Donovan, Shakira's relationship to wild boars (not good), and, obviously, the musical Cats, whose iron grip will hold us forever.
“Look at how two wild boar which attacked me in the park have left my bag,” lamented the “She Wolf” songstress to her 70.7 million ‘Gram followers. “They were taking my bag to the woods with my mobile phone in it.”
The New York Post article where I found this sentence features the headline "Shakira and son attacked by wild boars: ‘They’ve destroyed everything,’" which led me to believe that Shakira and her family were personally attacked by wild boars who not only injured them but destroyed their home and took their life savings.
Shakira and her son did have an encounter with wild boars, which I'm sure was scary since we learned wild pigs are violent from the 30-50 feral hogs incident. But when Shakira says they took everything, she means her purse, with "my mobile phone in it." Her mobile phone. I literally laughed out loud picturing Shakira saying "they were taking my bag to the woods with my mobile phone in it." Think about it.
I'm obsessed with the New York Post writer who wrote this article and described the boar as "thieving swine" and then "the bacon-y bling ring," and then once more the "porcine purse-snatchers." And let's not ignore the fact that the article opens with the line "They “Waka Waka’d” off with her purse."
I rate these sentence 5/5 hogs.
Mr. Trump’s handlers designated an unnamed White House official known as the “Music Man” to play him his favorite show tunes, including “Memory” from “Cats,” to pull him from the brink of rage.
I don't think there's much to learn from ex-Trump aides and officials writing memoirs about their time in the White House, and I don't think they deserve publishing deals for being complicit in that regime, but these books are good for providing the dumbest facts about the dumbest man on earth. This one comes from ex-press secretary Stephanie Grisham.
I can't imagine Trump listening to show tunes, or really listening to any music except the National Anthem, but Cats? He listens to Cats? He's probably seem the live musical and even maybe the movie version of Cats? Picture Trump, with his Diet Coke and McDonalds making all his family and aides watch Cats in the White House movie theater room.
The New York Times article where I found this quote also noted that "the Music Man" was Stephanie Grisham's ex-boyfriend.
I rate this sentence 4/5 whiskers.
One of the most sought boudoir photographers in the Southeast and champion barrel racer Matt Mathews is fighting back after he says state officials swarmed his property and took his opossum.
Thank you to Alabama.com for sharing this masterpiece of a sentence, which I initially thought was from an Australian publication because I thought barrel racing was some international sport I'd never heard of where guys race empty beer barrels down the hill, like those guys who race the cheese wheels down the hill in England.
It takes a few reads to even fully grasp what's going on here. First, there is a man named Matt Mathews – already off to an incredible start. Matt Mat is both a boudoir photographer (paid to take sexy photos) and a barrel racer (horse riding where you maneuver around barrels). Not only that, but he's a highly sought-after boudoir photographer (you can see why) and a champion barrel racer (his Instagram bio says "3X World Qualifying Barrel Racer").
Now that that's all cleared up, let's get to the heart of the issue, which is that authorities from the Alabama Department of Conservation and Natural Resources confiscated his beloved opossum Donovan, who he was caring for after rescuing him from the side of the road. I guess it's illegal to care for a sick possum, even if he's named Donovan.
According to this article, "Donovan only drinks water with a drop of honey; has a specific diet; loves low-fat strawberry yogurt for a treat; can only eat at a certain angle; and needs help using the bathroom. His eyesight is waning."
Matt Mat now has a page on his boudoir photography website dedicated to getting justice for Donovan.
I give this sentence one million drops of honey.
Barbara Broccoli says they will start the search for a new actor for James Bond next year.
Who the fuck is Barbara Broccoli and haven't they been searching for the "next James Bond" for like 15 years?