If you have read previous editions of this ol’ newsletter, then you might know I have a silly little e-commerce job where I have to look at silly little Amazon product listings all day. This is another edition of me roasting these listings for being insane. Every product image and description is created by a robot who fell down the stairs. Sometimes I find reviews that baffle me too.
Now let’s get started.
Starting off very strong here. First there’s the color-coded laundry basket filled to the absolute brim with toys of all colors. Then there is the deep-fried child wearing orthopedic sandals, looking nervous as all get-out. The background is grainy and unsettling in a way I can’t explain.
This is a device for cleaning your microwave with steam. The fact that it’s in the shape of an angry mom feels sexist somehow?
I love falling asleep to my favorite sound effects: steam, brid, wind bell, beep, wind bell, paino, ocean, and FM radio.
Imagine walking into someone’s home and this is on the counter. I’d feel like I was being lured with a poisonous apple. The Christmas tree in the background adds further intrigue.
Getting a bumper sticker that says “A PACK OF WOLVES IS NOT JUST ONE” with no explanation.
Before I got this black box, my baby was always playing with loose wires I had lying around the house. But now that I have this black box, my baby just stares at it while holding cherries.
I encounter this product constantly. It is literally a miniature hair straightener marketed as something to reseal chip bags (because it melts the plastic of the packaging back together). What I love is not only the knockoff Dove chocolate branding, but the food in the background that couldn’t possibly be resealed by this device.
Before I had a screen in my doorway, my baby was always shrieking in terror for fear of being sucked away by a tornado. Now that I have this screen, my baby is safe, happy. He has a dog to keep him company.
No comment.
Mosquito net jail. Somehow the part of this image that’s most confusing to me is this person’s hair. I can’t tell if it’s a 10 year old boy or a middle aged mom.
I just wanna know how an image gets photoshopped this way. Is there a computer lab somewhere of people who spent 1 hour learning photoshop and now have to create 10 of these images per minute?
I also don’t know that washing these finger condoms is any easier than washing your hands.
Definitely using that "Pack of wolves" comment. I might add it as a quote in my email signature.
This is straight up one of my favorite pieces of content I’ve consumed this year